The lack of acceptance is the reason we struggle to find fulfilment in improvement
Finding a healthy balance between acceptance and improvement is key to a more fulfilling and compassionate road to success.
One of the deepest desires we all share as humans is the desire to improve, to grow, to acheieve and succeed. We all pursue this differently. In this article I share a story from my journey of self-discovery, to shed some light on the importance of balance between acceptance and improvement, no matter what you are trying to achieve. I will show you how I was able to create this balance and then I will give you the tools to use in your own journey.
About 10 years into my journey of self-discovery and self-improvement, I had a lot of achievements and growth to show for the hard work I had put in. But I still felt a deep sense of emptiness, like there was something missing.
I was doing everything right, and there were moments of beautiful bliss, but I was not feeling the fulfilment and wholeness my teachers talked about. I had done it all, the yoga, meditation, self-improvement books, spiritual journeys and productivity hacks. I was consuming it, without questioning any of it.
At some point, I hit a wall. It all felt forced. And I was exhausted. I knew something had to change, but I didn’t know what.
This hero’s journey began in the arms of Lao Tzu
After having spent some time questioning if something was wrong with me I decided to take action. I started working with a coach to help me move beyond this feeling of being stuck. And a few sessions into the process something clicked. I rushed back to my bookshelf and pulled out one of my favourite Taoist books Tao Tse Ching by Lao Tzu and stumbled upon this;
Difficult and easy bring about each other
Long and short reveal each other
High and low support each other
Music and voice harmonize each other
Front and back follow each other
Lao Tzu
I remember having studied the concept of duality. But never seen my own journey of self-improvement through this lens.
In that moment, it hit me: If I want to feel this sense of fulfilment and wholeness I also need to embrace the polar opposite of improvement; acceptance.
Doesn’t acceptance mean defeat?
It seemed very unnatural at first, I thought that If I accept what is, I will become lazy and give up my quest for improvement, success and growth. I thought acceptance meant defeat.
Little did I know that starting to unpack self-acceptance not only brought me to a place of wholeness and fulfilment, but it made the journey of improvement a lot easier and fun.
No amount of self-improvement can make up for any lack of self-acceptance. — Robert Holden
Practicing acceptance is not just repeating love mantras
It would be wonderful if it was that easy. What has really worked for me was to start by understanding what I didn’t want to accept in myself and why. Go to the place within where the resistance was the strongest.
Instead of trying to fix anything there, I started practicing acceptance of it. Things like my mistakes, my feelings, my flaws. One by one I began to accept the things I can’t change.
Clinical psychologist and meditation teacher Tara Brach’s work on self-compassion played a big part in this. Her guided meditation on self-compassion was very helpful to move forward.
The more I made room for acceptance, the more space I made for love, courage, confidence, peace and a deeper sense of gratitude started to emerge.
There is not just one road to self-acceptance. We all arrive there from different destinations. Some might take a longer route, others find it around the corner. And that’s okey.
Here are three shifts you can make today to practice self-acceptace and find more fulfilment in your growth journey:
Make time and room for both improvement and acceptance
For every self-improvement course you take, invest equal time and resources into your self-acceptance practice. For some people that means reading a book, listening to a podcast or guided meditation. Others might seek a coach or guide to get there. If you don’t know where to start I really recommend diving into one of these books:
The Gift of Imperfection by Brené Brown
Radical Acceptance: Awakening the Love That Heals Fear and Shame by Tara Brach
How to Be an Imperfectionist: The New Way to Self-Acceptance, Fearless Living, and Freedom from Perfectionism by Stephen Guise
Identify what you can control in your life and release what you can’t
Every time you hit the feeling of resistance, regret, shame, anger or sadness over a situation. Take a step back, hit the pause button and go through the following steps:
Take a deep breath, hand on the heart, close your eyes, relax.
Notice the feeling that is present, where do you feel it in your body?
Name it — ‘I feel anger’
Validate it — ‘It is okey to feel anger, it is part of the human experience’
Bring the situation that triggered this feeling to mind.
Forgive yourself, the people involved, and bring forward compassion.
Then ask yourself, what can I control here? My reaction, how I approach it next time, where I place my focus etc…
Then identify everything that you can’t control: someone else’s reaction, the circumstances etc.
Place the things you can’t control in an imaginary bag that you throw away. Let go.
Focus on one simple thing that you can change in the things you can control. Take action.
Move forward in love ❤
Celebrate every time you move into acceptance
Take note, celebrate yourself, even if it is a small win. Write it down in your journal or on a post-it note, collect the victories so you can look back at them every time you doubt.
Celebrating your wins not only feels great physically, it also reinforces the positive attitude and behavior you want to have show up when you face a new challenge or opportunity. — Bill Carmody
As Bill points out in this article, the simple act of celebrating actually changes our physiology, which in turn strengthens our psychology and mindset. When you celebrate, endorphins are released inside your body and you feel incredible. It’s a win win win all the way.
If you take anything away from this article, take this
Just start, take one step. Try the compassion meditation above, read one of the books or do anything else that will start the journey. Don’t worry about finding the perfect thing. Just start right here, right now.
I would love to hear about your progress and any new practices to deepen our self-acceptance. Book a call with me or send me a message on Instagram.
